Memories and Loss

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May is synonymous with mothers, mothering, nurturing and love and while I completely agree, to me it also signifies reminders of loss. May is the month of my grandmother’s birthday. This year she would have been 105 years old. Every day since she has been gone, I think about her and the sadness that comes over me knowing that she never got to meet my children. It will be 10 years this July since she passed. When she passed, it was truly the first time I had ever experienced loss.

I have been very blessed to have never experienced loss like that before. Abuelita Sara, or GMA as I liked to call her, was a renaissance woman; she sang, painted, knit, wrote stories and poetry, was a great cook, gave the most amazing hugs and the realest advice anyone could give. She did it all. For long periods of time she visited us and stayed with us and she was my amazing roommate. I heard some of the most amazing stories of the things she lived.

As Mother’s Day came and went (although I’ll always cherish it), it always comes with some bittersweetness because of remembering she is no longer in earth. One of the things I knew as soon as I found out I was pregnant with our first baby, I knew I wanted my little guy to know what an amazing, courageous and lovable his great grandmother was. During my pregnancy, I played all the songs that my own grandmother would whistle to. We have always celebrated her birthday in someway, whether it was watching one of her favorite movies to eating one of her favorite unhealthy snacks  (Hot Cheetos) and always having flowers around.

This year, because of the stay at home order, it was much more mellow and we didn’t get to celebrate it completely as a family especially with my own mom. We did make time to go through her paintings, we talked about her sense of humor, we played her favorite songs, which our sons love and were present with each other. I have learned that while she may not be physically here anymore, she is ever present in my life and the lives of my children. We keep pictures of her and her paintings are framed in our home so that we know that she protects and guides us. Every time I see my boys I know she lives through me and all the memories we held together and I know she will always protect my little family.

I love you Abuelita

Photo by Jake Thacker on Unsplash